


I'm Not in Love

by Paradoxicalpatton



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Everyone Needs A Hug, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, The Captain is Gay (Ghosts TV 2019), and pat knows it, i just want my boys to be happy, season 2 spoilers ahead, the captain is secretly a big softie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26889973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradoxicalpatton/pseuds/Paradoxicalpatton
Summary: "He had even begun regretting his choice of room, the familiar pattern on the aging wallpaper a sore reminder of the day Havers informed him he was leaving. His once office, now transformed into a lavish cell, trapping him with nothing but the harrowing silence and his thoughts."The Captain is reminded of a lost love from his past.It's just a coincidence that Pat is always there to support him.(Additional warning in notes)
Relationships: The Captain/Pat (Ghosts TV 2019)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 80





	1. it's just a silly phase i'm going through

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i recommend listing to "I'm Not in Love' by 10cc (although the Kelsey Lu cover is a fave of mine) if you want some extra feels while reading
> 
> i do wanna add more to this so if you enjoy keep an eye out
> 
> also, any additional warnings I wanna add for now is "period typical internalised homophobia", but it is very mild anyway!
> 
> (if anyone is out of character i'm sorry this is my first ghosts fic pls be nice)

Button house was quiet. Alison and Mike had retired to their bedroom hours ago with most of the Ghosts following suit. The thunderstorm from earlier that day had finally calmed down late that evening, the smell of rain mixing with the scent of freshly cut grass from the day before. 

Button house was quiet. The wind had come to a complete halt, letting the branches on the trees and bushes rest for the night before the storm returned the next morning. The native animals that lived on the grounds had taken refuge days ago and shown no signs of returning any time soon. The grandfather clock that lived in the hallway lay silent, the mechanism had broken that morning and neither Alison nor Mike could figure out how to fix it. 

Button house was quiet. 

To the other residents of the house, this silence was considered almost unbearable. Of course, they weren’t aware of the deafening quiet as they lay to rest on this particular night. To the others, the lack of noise completely was the Captain’s dream. More often than not would he complain about the terrible racket Alison and Mike caused with their never-ending renovations to the building. The Ghosts of the house had also become familiar with the Captain’s complaints over the years, with the military man constantly reprimanding them for the incessant noise from their continuous arguing. And they were right, the Captain adored peace and quiet. 

Button house was quiet. 

But never like this. This silence was horrific. This was the kind of quiet that unveiled your darkest secrets, your worst fears. It was the kind of quiet that could ruin you with ‘what if’s’ and ‘could have been’s’. The kind of quiet where there was no one but you, reminding you how alone you are, and how alone you will forever be.

_“I’m afraid I’m leaving you, Sir.  
At 1800 hours this evening.”_

This was the type of quiet that could destroy a person with a single thought.

**\-------------------**

Moonlight shone through translucent white curtains, casting a soft glow onto the double poster bed where the Captain lay still. Small droplets of rain cling to the glass on the window of the room, the water and light mixing to create delicate rainbows on the dark wooden floor.

Quiet nights like these never came often, but when they did, the Captain was filled with nothing but dread. These nights filled his mind with thoughts he'd rather forget. Thoughts and memories that had plagued him for decades. 

It had been years since he died, and although whatever feelings the Captain may have had for a particular Lieutenant had faded, the guilt was forever hanging over his head. He had pledged himself to his King and Country and betrayed them by falling for another man. For most of his life, the Captain had been filled with regret for many things. But as he lay awake, trying to find a single sound in an ocean of silence, he could only regret never telling Havers how he felt. 

The memory of Havers stepping past the gates of Button house played on a loop through his mind. The more the memory played, the more regret he felt for not stopping him. The more regret, the more guilt. 

He had even begun regretting his choice of room, the familiar pattern on the aging wallpaper a sore reminder of the day Havers informed him he was leaving. His once office, now transformed into a lavish cell, trapping him with nothing but the harrowing silence and his thoughts. 

The Captain's joints ceased as these thoughts ran through his head, keeping him in place on the bed to suffer through feelings he'd do anything to be rid of. His mind had turned into a battlefield, a battle between forbidden affection and excruciating silence. He could only hope the lesser of the two evils would win. The Captain just wasn't quite sure which one he'd rather. 

Fortunately for him, neither won. Instead, a soft "Knock knock" cut through the Captain's thoughts.

"Cap? Are you awake?"

"Pat, is that you?" 

The Captain attempted to sit up and look at the Ghost standing by his door, but his joints were still stiff from moments beforehand.

"Yeah, I couldn't- oh, let me give you a hand Cap."

Pat made his way around the bed to where the Captain lay and carefully pulled him up so he was sat by the headboard, against his tired protests.

“What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing Patrick? I’m perfectly capable of sitting up without your help!”

“You’re welcome.”

The Captain disliked many things about the people he lived with in Button house. The thing on the top of his list for Pat was how kind he was. It was a huge feat for anyone to make Pat mad, let alone slightly annoyed or irritated. He had more patience than everyone combined, and he definitely had more patience for the Captain than older ghost thought he deserved. 

“Do you mind if I sit?”

“Hmm? No, not at all.”

Pat shot a quick smile toward the Captain before walking back around to the empty side of the bed and sat down, mirroring the Captain’s position.

The two of them sat like that for what felt like hours to the Captain, although it had only been mere minutes since the other man had joined him. As they stared out the window opposite the bed, the Captain focused on the silence that had filled the room once more. It was different this time. This time it didn’t feel as if he were drowning, he felt like he could breathe freely if he had the organs to do so. The room wasn’t so empty now, instead, Pat’s presence filled all the vacant spaces. 

As much as the Captain may dislike how kind Pat is, it also happened to be one of his favourite things about him. He could always tell how everyone around him was feeling and knew just what to do when one of them was upset or annoyed. In the Captain’s case, quietly sitting near him was more than enough to ease his thoughts. The Captain didn’t like to admit it, but he’d always enjoyed Pat’s company. And, as selfish as it sounds, he’d do anything to keep him with the other Ghosts at Button house. 

His heart couldn’t take losing another one. 

“-Cap?”

“What?”

“I asked if you were listening to me. If I’m a bother I can go back to my room.”

“No! Uh- I mean, no. Not a bother at all. What were you talking about?”

“Lunar rainbows! The scouts used to call them moonbows. They’re just like regular rainbows, but instead of sunlight and rain, they’re made from moonlight and rain. It’s very faint and looks almost completely white, but if you look at the ground now carefully you can see some!”

The Captain felt a small smile grace his lips as he listened to Pat speak about the moonbows. His whole face had lit up with joy at the chance to teach the Captain something new, it reminded him so much of his time as a scout leader. The Captain knew he was in dangerous territory right now. But listening to the soft sound of Pat’s voice, he decided that he could deal with any dangerous thoughts in the morning. For now, he would sleep. 

Closing his eyes, the Captain gathered all the confidence he had before slowly laying his head onto Pat’s shoulder. The shorter man froze at the touch, causing the Captain to regret the move. He was about to lift his head back up and apologise when a quiet voice stopped him.

“Uh, Cap? What are you- oh. Sleep well.”

The Captain felt Pat shuffle ever so carefully, and a light weight fall gently on top of his head. After a few minutes had passed, the Captain finally felt himself drifting off to sleep, both him and Pat using each other as a pillow. He had almost dozed off completely when he felt something poke the side of his little finger. Pat gently slipped his own little finger around the Captain’s and squeezed it lightly, giving the Captain the confidence once more to squeeze back before quietly whispering to the man next to him.

“Thank you…”

“For what?”

“Helping me sit up earlier, I appreciate it.”

“I know, Cap.”

The two of them smiled and squeezed each other fingers once more before finally falling asleep for the night

_Button house was quiet._


	2. don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"He thinks about them owning a dog, a golden retriever to be exact. A girl, they’d call her Honey. The Captain would fight for a regular name such as Charlotte, but Pat would convince him that Honey is much more fitting. ‘It matches her fur!’ he’d say. The Captain would immediately give in._
> 
> _He thinks about what it would feel like to be the object of Pat's affections. To be completely and utterly enamoured by someone so full of love."_
> 
> The Captain and Pat's friendship is put on the line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all! i just wanna say thank you so much for all the lovely comments you left, they were really what inspired me to continue writing! 
> 
> once again 'period typical homophobia' is implied through what cap says and does but as usual, it's only extremely mild :)
> 
> I may or may not have spent hours writing the first half of this fic because im a whore for place descriptions but lets just keep that between us, okay loves? thanks x

“I can’t believe we’ve just sat here for five hours and have done absolutely nothing.”

The setting sun cast a warm golden glow on the land as it began to slowly cross the horizon, the trees and bushes gently swaying to and fro, adding a soft, cool breeze to the scene. The lake had mirrored the sunset, the transition from sky to land now almost impossible to distinguish if it weren’t for small ripples from the wind delicately distorting the light over the water. 

The once vivid greens and browns of the foliage among the ground and surrounding the lake had now been muted by the vibrant yellows and oranges that were now reflecting from the sun and onto the water, a deep rich blue quickly chasing away the final remnants of the day completely from the vast stretching sky above.

Pat and the Captain had been sitting by the lake since late that afternoon, having finally escaped from the chaos that is Button house. It was nice. Peaceful. For once they could relax without being interrupted by Julian with a story of some sex-capde he had been in followed by Fanny’s usual disgusted complaints, or by Thomas demanding that one of them tell Kitty to leave him alone while he comes up with the next great piece of literature. 

Alison had come to realise just how much she depended on the two of them to keep the other ghosts in order, so she had organised an afternoon full of activities the ghosts would enjoy and participate in so Pat and the Captain could finally have some time to themselves. 

Sitting underneath the large tree, Pat watched the grass move with the wind, longing to reach a hand out and run it across the ground so that he could feel it between his fingers. It made him think back to when he was alive. Carol had always complained about their front garden, how the weeds in the flower beds were overgrown and that the bushes were always untrimmed. He had always wanted to fix it for her, but he was usually preoccupied with his scout duties, and when he did find time to think about it he simply couldn’t come up with anything. 

He owed it to his son Daley, however, when the young boy had asked him if they could plant flowers for his Mummy’s birthday, that way she didn’t have to throw them out after they died. So when Carol left to spend a week at her mothers before her birthday, Pat and Daley drove out to the garden store and bought everything they needed to fix it up for her. 

Forget-me-nots, marigolds, daffodils, and pansies now filled the once weed-infested flower beds. The bushes had been trimmed, the trees cut, and the lawn mown. A small wooden bench had even been built and placed at the end of the garden. The smile on Daley’s face as him and his father admired their hard work from the bench was brighter than anything Pat had ever seen. They were so proud. 

Pat wished he could smell the rich soil at this moment. Wished he could run his hands along the grass, listen to the sound of the fallen dead leaves crunch as he walked over them. He wished he could relive the feeling of pulling his son close to him in a tight hug after planting the final flower.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of crickets waking up for the evening, as the last remaining rays of sunlight dropped below the horizon.

\-------------------

Not wanting to return to Button house just yet, Pat directed his gaze at the man next to him. The Captain had been leant against the tree since they had got there that afternoon, the two occasionally making small talk before the Captain closed his eyes in an attempt to have the most peaceful nap of his entire existence. He’d woken not long ago, just in time to watch the sun fall and the moon rise.

For a moment after he’d woken up, the Captain had almost forgotten he was dead. At that moment, there was nothing but him, Pat, and the ground they were sat on. The tranquil smile that graced Pat’s face was more than enough to set the Captain’s heart racing. He tried to imagine what it would’ve been like, had the two of them been alive at the same time where loving the same gender was legal. 

They’d move to the countryside, he decided. They’d have a large backyard with a vegetable garden by the white picket fence, maybe an apple tree, maybe even a chicken or two. The Captain had always found the thought of fresh eggs in the morning very appealing, as well as the structure provided from owning and caring for the animals.

He thinks about them owning a dog, a golden retriever to be exact. A girl, they’d call her Honey. The Captain would fight for a regular name such as Charlotte, but Pat would convince him that Honey is much more fitting. ‘It matches her fur!’ he’d say. The Captain would immediately give in. 

He thinks about what it would feel like to be the object of Pat's affections. To be completely and utterly enamoured by someone so full of love. 

It’s wrong, thinking about Pat that way. Imagining the two of them living in domestic bliss, running away and starting their lives all over again together. The Captain isn’t entirely sure why it’s wrong though. He was there for Sam and Claire’s wedding, he knows it’s not illegal to love the same gender anymore. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t fully accepted it himself.

He was so used to hiding away his feelings, burying them deep inside of him so that no one would ever see. So that no one would ever know he was defective. If he didn’t get close to anybody, he couldn’t betray them if they ever found out the truth. 

Maybe he thought it was wrong because he truly believed that Pat would never love someone like him. He was cold, a stickler for rules and order. Not to mention that Pat was married while he was alive, to a woman no less. It was clear the scoutmaster was as straight as a pole. 

It wouldn’t do any good getting his hopes up. Instead, the Captain would ignore the longing inside of him, he didn’t want to ruin what was quite possibly his only friendship in the entire house. 

“Yes, well we have Alison to thank for that. Maybe we could convince her to turn this into a monthly thing. I could do with some time away from that lot every now and then.”

The Captain turned his attention toward Pat as he replied, hoping the younger ghost would be in favour of the idea. With a small nod of agreeance, Pat stood up and offered a hand to the Captain to avoid the struggle of getting up. The two of them slowly made their way back to Button house, the sounds of the other ghosts getting increasingly louder the closer they got. Hoping to stay undetected by the others, Pat and the Captain quietly snuck into the room where Alison and the other ghosts were playing some type of game. 

They had almost gotten away with it without anyone noticing until Fanny got insulted at something Julian had said and jumped up to storm away. Seeing the Captain and Pat at the back of the room, she immediately took her complaint to them, the two male ghosts now preparing themselves to be thrown back into the chaos with everyone beginning to talk at once. 

Alison made an attempt to calm the other ghosts down and distract them once more but was unsuccessful. It wasn’t until Pat raised his voice that everyone finally quietened down, pointing a finger at Robin asking him to start.

“Where you two go? We all play game, you not here.”

Before either of them had a chance to respond, Julian cut in with a thought that sent the ghosts into disarray once more.

“Probably off somewhere doing the old ‘horizontal tango’ if you ask me.”

“Now listen here, man! I won’t take any of this bum rap from someone of the likes of you. I would never do anything of the sort, and especially not with a brown-noser such as Patrick!”

The room stilled. The sudden silence wasn’t because of the Captain’s outburst, however, instead, the other ghosts looked past him at the short scout leader. 

Without saying a word, Pat turned around and walked out, making his way to the dilapidated fountain outside the front door. He wasn’t really sure why what the Captain said had upset him. It hurt, to be completely honest. 

Sitting by the edge of the fountain, Pat traced the overgrown vines with his eyes and ignored the presence slowly approaching him from behind.

“Patrick, I’m terribly sorry our friendship was misconstrued in such a way, I understand how embarrassing it was.”

“Embarrassed? You really think I’m upset because Julian’s comment embarrassed me?”

“Of course. Is… is that not the reason you’re upset?”

“No! Julian always says inappropriate things, it was what you said that hurt me.”

The Captain’s hands tightened around his swagger stick as Pat spoke, something in the younger man's tone made him want to embrace the scout leader. 

“I don’t understand how, I was simply disproving Julian’s abhorrent comment.”

“That’s how! He said something about us together in passing and you acted like it was the worst possible thing in the world! Am I really that revolting Captain?” 

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Patrick!”

“Seriously? Can’t you see that I’m angry at you? I’m upset! And you... you don’t even care!”

“How dare you, of course I care! But you’re acting like a child, it’s time to grow up-”

Before he could finish his sentence, the Captain was shoved back, his feet tripping over one another causing him to fall to the ground. Looking up, Pat stood above him, the man’s face a mixture of regret and anger. The Captain watched as Pat turned around, his hands clenched by his sides. 

“Cap, you’re a broken man, haunted by the choices you've made. I really thought we were becoming good friends. I’m sorry if I interpreted our relationship the wrong way.”

“Pat…”

“Don’t. Please, just don’t Cap. Sorry I pushed you.”

**Author's Note:**

> chuck us a kudos and a comment xx  
> tumblr - paradoxicalpatton


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